A Salute to Clueless Martini Woman

“Hi! My name is Kristin, and I’ll be taking care of you this evening. Can I start you off with a beverage?”

“Yeah, I’d like a martini.”

Cue awkward stance and fake smile. Now I’m stuck here patiently waiting for this woman to elaborate. Blank stare. Clueless Martini Woman turns away and begins casually chatting with her husband. “Um, excuse me, ma’am… which kind of martini would you like?”

Blank stare. “What do you mean? I want a mar-ti-ni.” She rolls her eyes, and turns away again.

Are your Friday nights this fun? Working as a waitress and a bartender for the past five years, I’ve concluded that the majority of the world loves to drink. Most even have a favorite alcoholic beverage. Yet, at least 50% of these people cannot accurately tell you the contents of this beverage.

In the spirit of honesty, I have no real basis for these statistics, but life experience should be proof enough. Take Clueless Martini Woman, for example. Her pompous attitude cannot hide the fact that she has absolutely no knowledge of how a martini is made, whatsoever. I could probably serve her fruit punch and tequila, and she wouldn’t know the difference… as long as her drink is in a martini glass with some sort of pretty fruit on the edge of the glass.

To ensure that none of you embarrass yourself in this manner, I will share with you the four things you need to know to successfully order a martini. Martinis consist of three main ingredients: the liquor, dry vermouth, and a garnish. Consider these ingredients as you order your martini.

First, do you prefer vodka or gin? Martinis can be made with either, but you can only have one.

Second, what brand of vodka/gin would you like? Although not necessary, martini drinkers tend to choose top-shelf liquors because of their premium taste. Remember, martinis don’t have any juice or soda to dilute the taste of the liquor. Thus, the cheaper the liquor, the less enjoyable the drink… unless you’re hardcore like that.

Now, how much dry vermouth would you like in your martini? Possible answers: bone dry – no vermouth, extra dry- martini glass is rinsed in vermouth, but no vermouth is actually poured into the beverage, dry – one drop of vermouth, wet- two or more drops of vermouth. Martinis can also be ordered dirty, which substitutes olive juice instead of vermouth. One other common variation is a Gimlet, which substitutes lime juice instead of vermouth.

Last question: what type of garnish would you like? Typical answers: with a lemon twist, or with olives – self-explanatory.

For you James Bond wannabes out there, “Shaken or stirred?” is not a real question, although some martini-drinkers do prefer one method over the other. Cheers!